The Happy Zip Lining Santa Elf

After his stint in maximum security prison for raping and murdering a reindeer, Santa was released.  Actually, he was more guilty of first degree manslaughter after disposing of the dead reindeer while on his route Christmas Eve.  It (the dead reindeer) fell on a drunk elderly man who just finished earning $20 to jerk off some well-to-do family man.

Now Santa could no longer carry a whip on his jolly rounds, bringing joy to all the children of the Earth.  The whip he used not only to whip his loyal, subservient, repressed reindeer, he also used it, while drunk, to whip girls he found in bikinis.  It was rare during the Christmas season, but every once in a while during his pass over Miami, he’d find some young, hot girl in a bikini just walking around in the middle of the night.  (He even pitched Google on a girl-in-a-bikini-finding-device to install on his slay to make the search easier.)  The authorities decided it was time to take that whip away after his unfortunate incident with the reindeer.

Santa’s biggest problem has always been keeping his elves in line, who he compassionately refers to as his own personal “joy makers.”  Not because they work in a sweat shop building toys for the fat man to keep the spoiled kids happy, but because sometimes, late at night, when Mrs. Clause is on the rag, and Santa has had a few, he slips his Santa dong in their mouth while they are sleeping and proceeds to “date” their mouth.  Franco was his favorite.

After his little run in with the law, and suffering numerous butt rapping in prison, Santa is more feared and revered in the elf community.  Franco contemplates suicide every day now, because Santa is more violent on their little “dates” these days.  And since elves and Santa never die, it’s become his own personal living hell.

Suffice it to say, Santa will never be viewed the same again.  And the experts recommend buying a cork for your butt and an old school hockey mask for your face when you’re sleeping on Christmas Eve.